Frequently Asked Questions
In our counseling practice, we hear the same questions again and again. These are the questions clients ask most frequently and the answers we give. Though your situation will differ in detail, you may find some help here.
Why don't I love my spouse any more?
What you are saying is that the love-feeling has subsided. Over time, the everyday routine, small problems, and resentments accumulate to build a wall of indifference and coldness. To restore love-feelings, you need to identify and resolve the irritations. Then you must commit to frequent affirmations-unexpected hugs, little surprises, notes of endearment, and weekly date nights-to keep the spark in your marriage.
Return to top
I am healthy, yet feel drained and have no energy. I barely survive. What to do?
You need to fill your tank. When you drive a car, you can't continue to drive without filling up with gas. If you don't gas up, the car will sputter and stop. Likewise, we sputter and stop when we don't take time to replenish our energy. Find out what energizes you and plug those activities into your life. It needs to be something that leaves you refreshed. Read a book. Go for a walk. Exercise. Listen to music or participate in musical events. Play golf. Cook. Shop at the mall.
Return to top
My kids trigger anger and rage in me. I can't help it. How can I remain calm?
Anger/rage results when you do not feel appreciated or respected. If you are not listened to, your emotions intensify to get your point across. If you tell Johnny to sit down and he doesn't, you raise your voice to get his attention.
Anger will also flare if you are not sensitive to your kids, taking a daily interest in what they do. When the Bible says in James 1:19 that you need to be "Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry," it is telling you to take time to listen carefully and not respond until you fully understand what has been said or done. Reflective listening diffuses anger and rage. The result will be a growing ability to control anger.
Return to top
Why is my daughter increasingly rebellious?
Your daughter is crying out for attention because she does not feel wanted, loved, or appreciated. She is telling you this by doing the opposite of what is important to you. Listen to her and try to understand what she needs from you. You may not agree with her, but it is critical for you to listen without giving input. Ask her what you can do to improve the rapport. She most likely will say she wants to spend more time with you.
Return to top
We constantly bicker and fight about minor details. Why?
Marriage goes through various seasons. In summer, you connect on all cylinders. Love flows and you covet your times together. In the fall, you experience times of warmth, but also cold nights when the leaves of your marriage begin to fall. When winter comes, the marriage is dormant and the sap is forced down into the root system; love appears dormant. In winter, the marriage actually grows in breadth and depth despite your struggles-if you focus on strengthening the qualities of patience, caring, and perseverance that support a lifelong marriage.
Return to top
We need marriage counseling. How can I get my mate to agree?
You can only help yourself, so focus on your own issues. Your resistant spouse will notice the changes you are making to improve the marriage. This presents the opportunity to ask your spouse to give your therapist input on how you can do even better. It is then the responsibility of the therapist to motivate your spouse to become involved in the counseling process.
Return to top
 Click here to find out about the one-on-one "Ask the Gortons" consultation, an online Q&A service.
|
